Journey to Oneness: Entry 14

My every intention to journal tonight was to formally
apologize to Kathy, the Tidy Tutor.

See, I’ve never had anyone look at me in all my messiness
with love and understanding.

I remember there was a long period of silence where
I didn’t keep in contact with her because I wasn’t up to
par in my cleaning.

But did you know she did not for even a second care
about that, she cared about me.

I guess that’s what it’s all about for me.  It’s about having
someone be patient with me as I go as slow as a turtle
rather than rejoice when I go as fast as a hare.

Clutter and Hoarding has a lot to do with emotions.
It’s a lot of bottling up and saving up items to gratify what
you may not have somewhere else. It’s a lot of memories
you don’t want to lose, it’s a lot of emotions you may not
want to feel.

I have had so many emotions and changes in my life since
this journey started. I have made a change in my health
and have committed myself to exercise in nature and I’ve
found a new way of freedom I have never had before.

Just today I took a very long and much needed nap and I
almost fell into the trap of “lost time and comparisons”.
I was thinking about how I was almost 40 and I’m still messy
and I’m still here.  And although normally I would entertain
those thoughts and play the role, I didn’t do it.

Because I know that thoughts like that would hold me back
and wouldn’t allow me to look at what I have done, and what
I am doing.

Reaching out to Kathy was one of the best decisions I have
ever made.  I don’t believe that if I continued to be silent that
I would even take a step towards my health.

So an update on my cleaning journey.  My kitchen sink, one
of them is clean. The other side seems to be overflowing with
things to soak.  I plan on throwing it all tomorrow.

My laundry is done once my basket is full.  And as much as
I would bring in, I donate out.  I am going through a lot of my
Mom’s mementos today and I am still holding on to them in
case she returns. The truth is she isn’t. So I’m going to throw
it all on her birthday, symbolic for a new rebirth of her leaving
from here and being free where she is at.

My truck bed is overflowing with items but will go into storage
tomorrow.

Best update is I’m not sorry.  I’m not sorry because every day
I am doing something to clean, and although it isn’t mountains
of cleaning, I am making progress and that’s all that’s important
to me.

Much love Kathy!