Real life… Help getting my life back. Living Organized

Day One to Oneness Journal –
November 1, 2012

I don’t know where to begin.
I think everyday about the way I am living and the fact that for over a decade
I have been okay with all of it because “it is what it is”

But there’s something inside me that has been calling out, something within me
that says, wait, this is NOT you!! YOU have the power to say how the story ends!
You are a beautiful, brilliant woman who can change her life.

You will not die suddenly and when they come to your house, you will not be
remembered as a filthy hoarder.

Then I get pumped up and I want to clean it all but I just can’t find direction.
I have no clue how to get rid of it. I don’t know how to begin.

I move towards blame and anger. And I think about how my father loved to collect
paintings and he bought over 200 of them which we had to move into our single wide
mobile home, and turns out that none of them were able to be salvaged since we left
them outside and they all, one by one had to be dumped.

And then I shift to my Mother needing to collect as much office supplies as she had
to or purses and just kept them around so she can “send a box to the Philippines” so
to help those in need. But she was only to send it once and until this day, those things
are still here.

And then I look at me. I have the desire to look great. I have the desire to be normal.
I love shoes and jackets and I love certain pants and blouses and earrings and I buy
them but sometimes I can’t find them under all the rubble. So it seems like I wear the
same 4 outfits when I know I have so much more than that.

I retrace and ask myself, when was the last time I have ever had company over? How
much time have I sacrificed to not having friends or a social life within my home
because of how I allowed myself to live.

Is this going to be the forever me? Am I content to live as a hermit?
Is this my destiny?

So I realize, the last time I have had a sit down, hang out, relax time
was back in 2000.  12 long years – There has not been one person that has
come into my house but 12 years ago.

That is a very long time. I have sacrificed my 20’s and 30’s because I didn’t clean.
And I can never get that time back.

And it wasn’t like I was dirty, because when it came to my personal night time routine
I was surely had to wash my face, brush my teeth and I had to take a shower everyday.
I loved to smell good and I attempted to always look good but why was I okay living
in garbage.

Why did I continue to live in filth day in and day out without doing anything
about it?

The answer was simple but my body was frozen.

It was too much for me to do, and I can’t ask anyone for help because no one knew
what I was living with.

So today, after a response from a kind stranger, I was excited.

I was excited to share pictures of the mess and I was excited to clean it.

I wanted to just get rid of it and make plans for where it would go.
And I thought to myself, it needed to all go somewhere TODAY.

I donated a bunch of glassware my Mother collected. The billions of knives we
had and resorted myself to do it the way I wanted it to look like.

I wanted to decorate it the way I wanted to and I had to first get rid of
things by going through it one by one before getting to that final step of
living clean.

I think what worked for me was not thinking about it anymore.
I didn’t want to psychoanalyze my parents.
I didn’t want to blame myself for all the time or youth I’ve lost.
I didn’t want to be embarrassed about throwing so many bags out.

Then I got excited.
Like the old dreamy me was coming to life.
The me that had visions of having my own home, decorating it my own style.

Maybe in time I am able to invite company over. And maybe even cook a dish or two.
Maybe I could even open my living room windows. Or use a desk.

I felt my life changing.

Then I got nervous.

Will this last? Will I be able to finish?
Is it possible to do it alone?

Then I got brave.

I will be 40 in 2 years.
I want to have this all cleaned up before I turn 39
I want to say I’ve conquered this ridiculous stronghold on me once and for all.

I want to say I’ve beaten this in my 30s.

I want to live like the Queen I have been created to be as Kathy has said.
I want to reclaim my birth right.

And so I feel I have been freed from prison.
And I am NEVER coming back.