Disgusted with how we live
And how we can fall into denial

Dec 20, 2012

It has truly been a while since my last entry.
But my work hasn’t stopped.

I went through 2 stages:
One of complete complacency and surrender in thinking that the
little area I cleaned was enough to take a break for a while.

Second, of complete denial that I had a problem to begin with.

Since the latter was most recent, I’ll describe that.
I’ve been restless in my routine and I psyched myself in thinking
that everything I’m doing has been something I’ve done for years.

Once I got home with groceries or things, I’d put it all away in it’s
rightful place. If I chopped something or used a plate or a pot,
I cleaned it right away.

I used to come home and leave things all around and go straight
to my bed.  I used to use every single utensil and plate and not
wash it all until I absolutely had to.

Then I found myself to be disgusted with the fact that I lived
that way.  Although I’m still surrounded with clutter, it was no
longer a danger or overwhelming for me. It was something I
controlled and it would be during my time that I would attack
this area or that and I wouldn’t have to look at it like a science
project.

With this I didn’t feel I needed to feel anything when I was
ruthless in cleaning.  I didn’t need to analyze it all as I had
done in the first phase of cleaning. I wanted to just clean
and then live.

This was my new life and all the self exploration had been done.

But balance is balance, and I need to remember that even
with the little successes, I need to record why it was something
normal for me at all.

I am implementing so many changes in my life right now
and I have created such a tall order of goals before my
40th birthday that I’m really excited about my life.  I have
wasted so much time on everything else but nurturing myself
that I believe right now, every day is a positive shift for me.

And it all started with a youtube like! 🙂
Love it!